PSLE is just round the corner. Let me share one tip with you if you are preparing with your child for PSLE. Many parents asked me how to prepare their children well for PSLE and I usually will share my 10 tips with them.
The first tip is self-discipline and is highly discussed here. Hence, I am going straight to the second tip: Bonding.
Bonding with your child is one of the most important influencing factors for his future success. Sad to say, I noted that many parents are very lost in this aspect. Bonding is very important because it creates a beacon for the child and allows the child to see the parent as a role model for values and character. More importantly, with bonding, you will be able to influence your child to make the right decisions when he is lost.
There are 9 ways to bond with your child and there are three overarching themes:
- Acceptance
-> Never Criticize
-> One Good Thing
- Presence
-> No Multitasking
-> Me-Time (Parent)
-> Me-Time (Child)
-> Schedule In Advance
- Resonance
-> Resonance Initiated By Them
-> Resonance Initiated By You
-> Resonate Together
They are sequential and you have to start from Acceptance. You cannot have Resonance without Presence. Let's jump in.
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Acceptance
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First and foremost, Acceptance is not accepting all misbehavior. Acceptance is acknowledging that there is misbehavior and how we (as parents) can help the child.
We accept the child but reject the behavior.
I have three boys. Each of them is an individual and they are very different from each other.
My firstborn is a thinker/planner. He plans ahead and will attempt to do any task properly the first time round. He hates making mistakes and hates repeating the task. If he sees the task as not doable, he will avoid the task. A typical perfectionist. I accept that he is very risk-averse. It is not a bad thing to be risk-averse. However, it is a very bad thing when he views the task too big for himself and refuse to try. So, my action is to consistently encourage him to try out new things, new methods and new foods.
My secondborn is a doer. He attempts the task without thinking and will be most probably do a bad job out of it. He gets frustrated and there is a possibility that he might give up. I accept that he acts on his instincts. There is nothing wrong with this unless it is something very dangerous (like jumping off a high ledge. Believe me, he likes to jump off VERY high ledges.) Contrary to my firstborn, there is no need for me to encourage him to try new things. However, I need to remind him to be more aware of the danger of certain tasks. I teach him to assess the risks of the task.
My thirdborn is an observer. He will observe how people carry out a task first and then attempt to do the task better in his own ways. His method is by far more superior than his two older brothers. I accept that he is an observer. My action in this case is to sometimes take away precedent cases to eliminate the observation to challenge him to think instead of observing. You won't get to always observe first in real life.
In conclusion, we love the child and correct the behavior. There are two things I do/do not do to help in Acceptance:
1. Never Criticize
Let me share my story.
While the skill of 'not criticizing' may come easy to some people, it is extremely hard for me. Due to my family history, I am very critical of people and their actions. Almost everything that other people do is somewhat wrong. There is always room for better judgement and decisions.
Sometimes, my words would be nasty and it would create a negative impact on my children. My secondborn reminded me this when I was showering him one day (when he was four years old).
"Papa, can you love me? Can you talk gently to me? I am very scared when you say angry words at me."
I cried that night. I was heartbroken.To hear this from my secondborn, I know my problem was very serious. I wanted them to be good, but my words were too harmful for them.
From that day onward, I count all the criticisms I say to my children everyday and journal them. I aimed to lower the number everyday. It is so hard to eradicate this habit because it is so ingrained in me. Today, I think I am capable of dishing out just two or three criticisms per week and I am still aiming to achieve a lower number than this.
Criticisms lower your child's confidence and will create a negative identity in him. It creates a very negative INNER VOICE in himself. He will think and assume that he is bad in nature. He will give up on improving himself and will just say this is a natural part of him.
If you are criticizing your child often, set up a visual que or ask your spouse to help you. For me, I tied a small black string on my index finger. Whenever I raise my index finger to scold my child, I would see the black string and be reminded that I am bring critical.
Another method I used is to set phone alarms throughout the day to remind myself to say loving words to my children. Yes, I was so bad that I needed CONSTANT reminding.
2. One Good Thing Everyday
Another thing I practise everyday is to catch them doing one good thing everyday and write a note to them around the end of the day about it.
Every night before they sleep, I usually will talk to them for about five minutes and ask them if they have anything for me. This is our debrief routine everyday. Then, I will pray for them before kissing them good night.
When you witness them doing something really good, write in down somewhere. This will serve as your 'anchor' when you see them doing bad things. You will remember that they are capable of doing great things and have done them before.
What is one good thing you are going to tell your child tonight?
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Presence - Slow Down And Be Present
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Presence - Slow Down And Be Present
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When I was in primary school, I spent a lot of time at home with my father. He was there all the time, but he was not there too. He was physically there, but he was never present for me. I have no memory of him playing with me or teaching me stuff. Given the amount of time we spent with each other, it is amazing that we do not know each other at all.
I did not take this to heart at all because I was too busy with my own stuff when I was younger. I was either buried in books or out with my friends. I roamed the streets since Primary 3. I was only aware of the theory of Presence showed up when I had my first child. I was exactly like my father. Always there, but totally not there at all.
I knew I had to change. I want to be present for my children. And this was what I did.
3. No Multitasking
Have you ever spoken to someone with their eyes glued on their mobile phone? How did you feel? That is how your child feels when you do that to them.
It is a nasty feeling.
100% attention. Give your child the 100% attention he deserves. No emails, no phones, no K-drama and no newspapers. It is easier said than done. We have a house rule: Do only ONE thing at a time. If we watch TV, we only watch TV. If we do revision, we only do revision. If we play, we only play.
If you are constantly engaged in something, your child might learn from you and avoid reaching out to you. They too will start staring at their phones when they have one. And it makes us wonder why they are ignoring us.
4. Me-time (Parent)
Although it may sound counter-productive, it is VERY important that you have some me-time before spending time with your child. Many of us are not spending me-time to recharge ourselves. Hence, our time with our child is a mixture of me-time and bonding time. We spend time with the child AND with ourselves. This is not quality time with your child.
Spending time alone doing what we like first will help us unwind and recharge ourselve. For some, we read. For some, we run. No matter what, we need to spend some time alone and unwind. When we are recharge, we pay more attention when we bond with our child. We can really dive 100% into the bonding time.
5. Me-time (Child)
While you need your me-time, the child also needs his me-time. He needs to have time to explore his interests, his thoughts and his creativity. As parents, there is NO NEED to be present with the child all the time. We must let them explore and make mistakes in their own exploration.
For me, I coincide my me-time with my child's me-time. I will do my own thing (mostly reading) and they will do their own thing (reading, playing with their toys, drawing, etc). Then, there will be a bonding time after that. It is the me-time that creates the scarcity and the perceived value of bonding time.
The highest level of me-time is the moment called flow. This is a very important aspect and I dedicated a major part of Chapter 6 of my ebook on this. Basically, flow happens when you are so engaged in something that you forget your meals, forget to go toilet and time becomes non-existent. In this stage, you are the most productive in the task. Flow is important because it gives you a glimpse of what your child is really passionate in.
(Note: Flow is about CREATION, not CONSUMPTION. Losing yourself in some computer games is not flow. Spending hours CREATING a video is flow.)
6. Schedule In Advance
Isn't it ironic when we schedule our work, but we do not schedule time with our children? And we keep saying that our children are important. We go to work regularly and we do not spend (quality 100% attention) time with our children. Worst of all, some parents use work as an excuse to 'escape' from the children.
I schedule small slots (15 min) on weekdays to spend time with my children. A game of Exploding Kittens. A game of Dominoes. A game of pretend. You cannot imagine how precious this 15 minutes is to the child. For Thursdays and Fridays, I have one-to-one breakfast/lunch/tea break with my children. They are unstructured and I don't check my phone or do my work during these slots.
Before I end this part, I want to tell you that Motivation is a function of the relationship you have with your child. It is much easier to motivate the child when you have a solid relationship with him.
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Resonance
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Resonance
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There is a need for a higher level of bonding because sometimes, even being 100% present is not enough. The basis of resonance is participation. You can be 100% present but the child might still not bond with you because you are not involved in his life.
What you are going to read below is absolutely original because I came up with the theory of resonance when I was doing my sales job in the corporate world.
During that time, I read many books on selling but all of them fall short of something: long term relationship building. Many books focused on making quick money and using closing techniques on people. However, this is not the type of sales career I wanted. I decided to do it differently.
Thus, the theory of resonance was born. Resonance requires you to understand the customer and initiate a relationship with them. Building mutual trust and inter-dependability becomes important. You become involved in the customer's life and the customer becomes involved in the product that you are selling. The process is tedious and very time-consuming. The results are usually very loyal customers and a lot of referrals from these customers.
I would never imagine that I am able to apply these concepts to parenting. In fact, I was very surprised that many of the techniques I used in parenting are directly modified from my work experience. The Vision-Casting tool you read in the previous chapter is one such example and Resonance is another one.
7. Resonance initiated by them (they lead)
This is the first level of resonance and is very applicable for children from three years old to twelve years old. Children at this age are almost always inviting the parent to resonate with them.
"Please play hide and seek with me."
"Please read with me."
"What is in the centre of the Earth?"
The invitations come in the form of play, questions and activities. We need to be 100% present and accept their invitations. Forget that you are an adult. Imagine you are at their age. They are inviting A FRIEND into their activity. Imagine how you would feel if you are at that age. Put yourself in your child's shoes and enjoy the activity WITH them. This form of resonance is usually following the child's lead and listening to him. He becomes your leader in the activity. Forget about the mess for a moment. Forget about time. Be 100% present and enjoy the moment WITH the child.
Some parents find it easier to imagine themselves as a child while some will not. You can take a very tiny step forward by smiling at what your child is doing. If your child is building a structure, just look into his eyes and smile. Say nothing. Do nothing. Just look into his eyes and smile. This act of smiling is very reassuring to your child and it sends a very positive feeling to your child. Then, you will find it easier to ease into his activity.
At times, your child will ask you certain questions. Seize the teachable moment and turn it into a longer term project. This project will serve as a platform for you to resonate with the child at a constant basis. Some projects I did with my children:
- Nintendo Labo projects
- Creating a dinosaur zoo in the computer
- best time to study
- best way to go to school
- Creating a dinosaur zoo in the computer
- best time to study
- best way to go to school
- creating Youtube videos
The catch here is to allow the child to take control of the project and your job is to follow his lead. Ask questions to clarify and scaffold only when needed. Remember you are resonating WITH him.
8. Resonance initiated by you (You lead)
This is the second level of resonance and is applicable to older kids. In this level, you are inviting the child to resonate with you. Invite them to do things with you. Some examples include:
- Invite them to see the nature your work and how you work
- Ask them to do projects with you
- Share the stories of your youth with them
- Take them out for adventures/hikes/walks/shopping
- Ask them to research on major household purchases
- Invite them to plan oversea vacations with you
- Ask them to do projects with you
- Share the stories of your youth with them
- Take them out for adventures/hikes/walks/shopping
- Ask them to research on major household purchases
- Invite them to plan oversea vacations with you
Sharing your life with them feel vulnerable at times, but it shows the child that you are a human too. You made mistakes in the past too. And it is okay for the child to make mistakes.
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One day, I was lecturing my kids on how we must do the hard work first so that our lives gets easier later. We do the laundry and dishes now, then we can stay outdoors for a longer period of time. I told them it is the same with life, we work hard first, then later on, we work less hard.
One day, I was lecturing my kids on how we must do the hard work first so that our lives gets easier later. We do the laundry and dishes now, then we can stay outdoors for a longer period of time. I told them it is the same with life, we work hard first, then later on, we work less hard.
My secondborn, Zach, blurted out , "Papa, that means you did not work hard last time. That is why you are working so hard now!"
"That is right. That was my mistake when I was younger. This is why I keep telling you all to work hard now. I do not want you to make the same mistake like me." I replied. I went on to tell them how lazy I was when I was younger and how I improved myself over the years.
What a beautiful teachable moment and I seized it.
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At this level, you are the leader and you will assign tasks to them. Ask for their help and it is very important to let them know that you are enjoying their help. Correct them when they do something wrong, but do not scold them. (Remember acceptance.) Once you scare them away, it might be very hard to invite them back into your projects. You may not realize it, but children are very open to help the parent if you put it across to them nicely.
One thing to note: If they reject your invitation, allow them to do so. Resonance cannot be forced.
9. Resonate together
This is the highest level of resonance. You resonate with the other person at the same time he is resonating with you. While this is the ultimate objective, it is very difficult to achieve with children. So far, I see it happening among couples and also among believers and their God.
However, resonating with your spouse is also a very important assurance to your child. It gives the child the sense that his parents are acting as one. This resonance acts as an anchor. If the parents are not resonating, the child might be confused about the many routines/rules at home. And he would not know who to listen to. This will result in him taking the easier way out whenever possible, rendering the routines/rules ineffective.
Before I end this chapter, remember that bonding has to take place sequentially. Acceptance first, then presence and finally resonance. I hope this had been helpful to you. Press on. You are a great parent because you are reading this to improve yourself!
