Secret Arts: Resilience

A few weeks ago, I gave my students a cup of red beans each and asked them to count the beans. They had five minutes and they were all frantically trying to finish counting within the time constraint. (Yep, I do crazy stuff at my tuition class.)

During those five minutes, many characteristics could be observed about the students. One gave up after losing count. Another tried to estimate the number. The other one tried to write down the last count.


"One gave up after losing count."


After five minutes, no one finished counting. I asked the class what they learned from the activity. One said the red beans were too small to manage. One said it was too difficult. One said it was impossible.

Then, I asked them why they tried to count even though it was difficult. There was silence. Finally, one said he believed he could do it if more time is given.

I told them that this is resilience. It is the 'keep on trying' part of life. No matter how difficult the Math problems are, we need to keep trying. No matter how difficult the writing gets, we need to keep trying. If we tried and failed, we tried and we will try again. If we give up, we failed and you will not 'level up' as a student and that will be your maximum level.


"I told them that this is resilience."


This is what happens in my tuition. I believe in spending ten minutes per tuition lesson to work on the 'secret arts' and inculcate good values in my students. You might not believe it, but these are actually the lessons that clocked the most mileage for my students. The lessons improved the child's character and made it a lot easier for knowledge acquisition in days to come.


"You might not believe it, but these are actually the lessons that clocked the most mileage for my students."


Now, the key question: How do you do this at home with your own child?

Resilience is actually two parts: self-awareness and self-management.


Model resilience to the child

Modelling is the most effective way. You can talk and talk, but a child looks at your action more than listen to your talk.

To model resilience to your child, you must seek to improve on the situation. It is better to be 'solution-seeking' than 'blame-seeking'.

"Why did you spill the water all over the floor?"

"Why did you forget your water bottle again?"

Notice the answers to these questions are not helpful at all. The child might be careless or daydreaming and the answers will not develop the child at all. Instead you might want to ask:

"How should we clean up this mess?"

"How can we prevent losing the water bottle again?"

Now, the child will be less defensive and you can get the problem sorted out. By doing this, your child will learn how to move forward in a problem and not just push the blame away.

Help your child to be aware of the problem and to be aware that solutions are needed.


Allow some mistakes

I have a student who loves to ask me if he is right in the middle of his work. His favourite questions are "Am I using the right method?" or "Am I getting the right answer for this step?"

It is very tempting to tell the child that he/she is calculating wrongly in the middle of the problem and it is very easy for us to tell him/her the correct answer. It is very easy to tell the child that his method is wrong and point him to the right direction.

I have often seen teachers/parents using this method because it is the easiest and the fastest way.

However, easy comes at a price. This way, the child learns nothing. The child only know you will come to his/her rescue when he is making a mistake.


"Easy comes at a price."


Let the child make the mistake. Then ask him about his thinking process. Discover where the child went wrong and guide him to question his own answer.

It is hard, but I guarantee you that your child learns the most this way.


Encourage your child to try

My wife does this the most to all my three sons. Her favourite phrase is "Try, you can do it. You must try."

Sometimes, the child lacks the belief that he can do it. He needs someone to remind him on his ability to solve the problem. He needs someone to remind him to believe in himself.



Building resilience is one of the top priorities in raising my children. It is one of the key factors for success in life, not only in PSLE. 

In addition, this art of resilience is slowly becoming a 'lost art'. Many children are not taught on this skill explicitly.

I hope you had benefitted from this blog post. Please share with your friends by clicking on the 'SHARE' button on Facebook.

Have fun and stay tuned!

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